Sunday, September 30, 2012

My parents: You can be anything you want!
                    Except that. And that.

Well at least I found it amusing.
Anyway, life is good. Just busy.

I'm hating being in Arkansas already. I like the fact that I'm earning money but my family just annoys me ALL the time. And it NEVER stops.

Not to mention that I really don't get along well with my dad at all.

*sigh* I just want to go home.

Thursday, August 9, 2012


For some weird reason, I have felt completely ignored for the past three weeks. Like I'm just kinda here to help people and besides that, no one cares. Like not a single person could give a flying flip about me except what I can do for them. I feel like I have a stupid freaking hole inside of me and it's tearing me to pieces. You're replaceable, my mind keeps telling me, you don't matter.

Am I such a good actress that no one can tell?

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


NOTE: This entire post will pretty much just be personal ranting...I'm having a pretty rough time. So if you don't want to find out about my personal life, please don't read further. The rest of you....God help you all.

Okay, so I have a boyfriend. I love said boyfriend dearly but my family does not because of previous happenings. Every chance my mom gets, she "laughingly" or "jokingly" says that I should break up with him. Ha, real funny, Mom. But his family LOVES me and LOVES the two of us together. Now I know he doesn't have the best family life and I know that I disagree with his parents on a lot of things but, my parents acting like everything is just wrong and horrible and I will never amount to anything if I marry him is NOT helpful. I just feel like I'm being pulled in all sorts of directions and it hurts. BF hates my parents and the parents hate BF. And I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate and say, "Hey can't we just calm down? Why don't we just start over? Do we have to call names?". It hurts. A lot. And it's exhausting. Do you know how discouraging it is to hear someone you love talk badly about someone else that you love?? And it's on both sides!!! All of them make assumptions about the other group based upon very little interaction. The only one I actually see trying actively to be better about it is BF. Granted, I think it's just cause he's afraid of losing me but at least he's TRYING. All I keep hearing from my parents is, "we don't want you as a pastor's wife", "God has greater plans for you", "you can't be with him long term because you can't be a pastor's wife". Who let them decide that? And who are they to decide that "greater plans" means I can't be a stay at home mom? Why couldn't I be a stay at home mom? Is it not an "important" enough job for me? I want to be at home and tidy up and take care of my children. That's what I want...not some sort of fancy business job where I constantly have to leave and go off to work and meet great and important people. I just want to be important to a few. That's all I want. To matter to somebody...I don't need to be the person to run the world.

I'm so tired. Tired of trying not to argue. Tired of comforting and being the mediator. Tired of being pulled in all different directions and no one ever asking, "Well...what do YOU want to do?". Doesn't that...matter? I mean, I know that we should obey God's call but...doesn't he want us to be passionate about it? I don't think God designed us to be miserable in our jobs or calling. Does anyone actually stop to consider that maybe, I'm just a people pleaser who just goes along with whatever's being yelled at me the loudest? That maybe, I need people to STOP yelling at me for once and just let me make a decision or two? That maybe I can be smart and diligent and responsible and discerning sometimes? Maybe I just don't because no one ever tells me that I do a good job. Yeah I get it. What's inside is what matters...but maybe someone can tell me that I did a good job or that I do good work or that I just did well. Something just like, "you did well in that round today" or "wow, you're so beautiful". Half the time I'm doing anything, I just feel so....inadequate and rather like a potato. I'm not really smart, I'm not that pretty, I'm not clever like other people. Ever since my ex told me that I was overweight, I constantly feel like I'm fat and ugly and completely without beauty. It's hard to get over something like that. But how do you tell people that? You just look like you're fishing for compliments or something. You can't tell anybody that.

I hate people. They're so judgmental and weak and emotional and selfish. They all just make me want to curl up into a little ball and stay there forever. If I could be okay not ever seeing another person again, I would never leave my room. They all want to change me...make me into something I'm not and, quite frankly, that I don't want to be. Can't anybody ever accept me for who I am? Crazy, weird obsessions and all? Why do my parents constantly have to make me feel like I'm weird and abnormal and that I should stop liking things that I do like? I wish I didn't care what people thought about me...but I'm a people pleaser. And so the vicious cycle goes on and on and on................

Sorry, this post was kinda rambly and super emotional and boring. I just had to get it all out.

Monday, May 21, 2012


Guess what ya'll? I have, once again, neglected my blog. That happens to be because I have been INSANELY busy with school, debate, friends, etc at college. Btw, LOVING Liberty. I'm so excited about the opportunities I'm finding through my family and friends. :) Also, I have a boyfriend. yay me. :P Yes, I know it's hard to imagine but I have indeed found a man I find worthy to be my SO. More random things:
- I like dubstep.
- I still hate cooking but I don't mind BAKING now.
- Sushi is apparently good. This is news to me and my taste buds.
- I can't stay up past 2 am now. Sleep and I have become GOOD friends.
- Makeup is less essential when you and sleep are good friends.
- People are good but I can't eat a whole one by myself.

Anyway, the main point that I want to talk about in this post is about God. I'm starting to do a study of God and who He is. One aspect of that study is the names of God. Yesterday I studied the name "El Olam". It's only used a few times in the Bible but it translates to mean "The Eternal God". God doesn't change or end. He's always there and always the same. God isn't a pansy God. He isn't a minor God. He doesn't have limited powers. He is THE God. Everything that anyone has ever admired is God. If someone argued with Jesus, they would lose. Arm wrestling with God? Also a bad idea. God has a sense of humor...He created laughter, after all! He's wise. God always knows what should be done. Something random happens? Doesn't faze him! He listens to everyone's complaints and excuses and yet is never bitter, angry or annoyed. He doesn't give up. He knows our needs, emotions, desires, struggles, issues...All of it! He never leaves, never forgets, never ignores, never regrets. He is the embodiment of perfection; He IS perfection. He is all of that and will ALWAYS be all of that. It's amazing that He isn't finicky and doesn't change His mind. God is an eternal, unchanging, timeless, limitless, constant God. He isn't temporary, limited, bound, checked, fleeting or irregular. He is the Everlasting, Eternal God. :)


"But the Lord is the true God; he is the living God and the everlasting King. At his wrath the earth quakes, and the nations cannot endure his indignation." ~ Jeremiah 10:10 ESV

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Award! :D

So okay, I'm kinda late on this cause I didn't realize I had been given this award *sheepish smile* Well, all my interested listeners, I have been awarded this by a fellow Sparkler:

THE LIEBSTER BLOG AWARD! YAY! IM SO EXCITED! I'VE WANTED THIS MY ENTIRE LIFE! What is it?.........................well okay I don't know. I'm guessing it means I'm awesome. Anyway, I am apparently supposed to post seven things about myself and then tag seven blogs that I love. So here goes:

1. I'm awesome.

2. I'm a debate nerd.

3. I cried when Oromis died in Brisingr.

4. I know both dialects of Elvish.

5. I have a deep-seated fear of the mirror in Snow White.

6. I am, quite possibly, the loudest person you'll ever meet.

7. I procrastinate like a pro.

Seven blogs that are awesome:
1. The Doctor Longscarf Blog: it's an entire blog about Doctor Who. Who wouldn't love it?

2. Think Thunks: interesting analysis of songs and movies.

3. Stories from the Life of a People Lovin' Bookworm: Um hello, it's full of stories. AWESOME.

4. Eclectics and Eccentrics: Fun randomness

5. Radical Love: An absolutely inspiring blog with encouragement for every young lady out there.

6. Faith like a Child: Amusing notes from another college student

7. The DeBusk Daily (ish...): Hilarious peeks into the life of a family in Texas who is growing and learning together.

So yeah! I'm awesome. All these blogs are awesome. And you should all go see them. :D


I can get distracted. And by that, I mean I am very very easily distracted. I literally have the attention span of a squirrel. The dog from Up, Dug, was probably based on me. That's how easily distracted I am. This is especially true in my spiritual life. I go to a conference, I read a verse, I hear a song, something impacts me and inspires me. I start promising myself and God that I will do better, I will work harder, I will be a Child of God who spreads His name to every part of the world. I am determined and I cannot be deterred from my mission. I'm excited; my life is revolutionized! I'm going to make a difference. And then, the real world blindsides me. I have school, boys, friends, drama, demands, responsibilities. They all drown out God's voice and I turn my attention elsewhere. Months go by without a quiet time, weeks go by without opening my Bible. My passion is forgotten and my promises are broken. I wander down my own path and forget the fire I had in that moment, in that one moment so many months ago. Then I happen upon that verse, book, picture and it reminds me of all the promises I made to God. Reality has again pulled me off the right path and I have let myself become distracted by things which seem so incredibly important but they have no eternal purpose or goal. Despite what I may think, my social life does not determine the fate of the world.

Then, I remember. I remember everything God has done for me. I remember every promise, every blessing, every answered prayer. I am completely humbled by the might of our God and yet he cares about ME. Stupid, annoying, selfish, lazy, incapable and wholly unworthy me. He cares and loves about me and I did NOTHING to deserve. Absolutely completely nothing. I spit in God's face, I nailed His son to the cross and yet He still loves me. STILL. I can't even imagine or fathom that kind of grace and mercy and love. And I have the gall to break my measly promises to be a better disciple. Who do I think I am and what is this sense of importance that I have given myself? I don't deserve God's blessing. I don't even deserve His attention! How dare I even pretend that I am important? What I should do, instead of demanding God do things my way, is fall to my face in awe and wonder of all that He has done. But I don't.

How do I not get distracted every time something shiny comes along? How can I keep myself focused on the prize that is actually WORTH something and not just the trivial aspects of a teenager in college's life? How can I keep myself from wandering away from that which I know is so important? Why is this so hard for me? I want God to be the center of my life and yet, I have such a difficult time focusing myself on His plan for my life. I can never truly live until I learn how to steady myself on the path He has laid out in front of me. Then the question remains: When will I learn to truly live?

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." ~ James 1:12