Thursday, August 9, 2012


For some weird reason, I have felt completely ignored for the past three weeks. Like I'm just kinda here to help people and besides that, no one cares. Like not a single person could give a flying flip about me except what I can do for them. I feel like I have a stupid freaking hole inside of me and it's tearing me to pieces. You're replaceable, my mind keeps telling me, you don't matter.

Am I such a good actress that no one can tell?

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


NOTE: This entire post will pretty much just be personal ranting...I'm having a pretty rough time. So if you don't want to find out about my personal life, please don't read further. The rest of you....God help you all.

Okay, so I have a boyfriend. I love said boyfriend dearly but my family does not because of previous happenings. Every chance my mom gets, she "laughingly" or "jokingly" says that I should break up with him. Ha, real funny, Mom. But his family LOVES me and LOVES the two of us together. Now I know he doesn't have the best family life and I know that I disagree with his parents on a lot of things but, my parents acting like everything is just wrong and horrible and I will never amount to anything if I marry him is NOT helpful. I just feel like I'm being pulled in all sorts of directions and it hurts. BF hates my parents and the parents hate BF. And I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate and say, "Hey can't we just calm down? Why don't we just start over? Do we have to call names?". It hurts. A lot. And it's exhausting. Do you know how discouraging it is to hear someone you love talk badly about someone else that you love?? And it's on both sides!!! All of them make assumptions about the other group based upon very little interaction. The only one I actually see trying actively to be better about it is BF. Granted, I think it's just cause he's afraid of losing me but at least he's TRYING. All I keep hearing from my parents is, "we don't want you as a pastor's wife", "God has greater plans for you", "you can't be with him long term because you can't be a pastor's wife". Who let them decide that? And who are they to decide that "greater plans" means I can't be a stay at home mom? Why couldn't I be a stay at home mom? Is it not an "important" enough job for me? I want to be at home and tidy up and take care of my children. That's what I want...not some sort of fancy business job where I constantly have to leave and go off to work and meet great and important people. I just want to be important to a few. That's all I want. To matter to somebody...I don't need to be the person to run the world.

I'm so tired. Tired of trying not to argue. Tired of comforting and being the mediator. Tired of being pulled in all different directions and no one ever asking, "Well...what do YOU want to do?". Doesn't that...matter? I mean, I know that we should obey God's call but...doesn't he want us to be passionate about it? I don't think God designed us to be miserable in our jobs or calling. Does anyone actually stop to consider that maybe, I'm just a people pleaser who just goes along with whatever's being yelled at me the loudest? That maybe, I need people to STOP yelling at me for once and just let me make a decision or two? That maybe I can be smart and diligent and responsible and discerning sometimes? Maybe I just don't because no one ever tells me that I do a good job. Yeah I get it. What's inside is what matters...but maybe someone can tell me that I did a good job or that I do good work or that I just did well. Something just like, "you did well in that round today" or "wow, you're so beautiful". Half the time I'm doing anything, I just feel so....inadequate and rather like a potato. I'm not really smart, I'm not that pretty, I'm not clever like other people. Ever since my ex told me that I was overweight, I constantly feel like I'm fat and ugly and completely without beauty. It's hard to get over something like that. But how do you tell people that? You just look like you're fishing for compliments or something. You can't tell anybody that.

I hate people. They're so judgmental and weak and emotional and selfish. They all just make me want to curl up into a little ball and stay there forever. If I could be okay not ever seeing another person again, I would never leave my room. They all want to change me...make me into something I'm not and, quite frankly, that I don't want to be. Can't anybody ever accept me for who I am? Crazy, weird obsessions and all? Why do my parents constantly have to make me feel like I'm weird and abnormal and that I should stop liking things that I do like? I wish I didn't care what people thought about me...but I'm a people pleaser. And so the vicious cycle goes on and on and on................

Sorry, this post was kinda rambly and super emotional and boring. I just had to get it all out.