Saturday, April 23, 2011


Well, I've decided its about time that I talked to the internet people about this. I'm really frustrated right now about two things.
1. College. I hate this decision. I thought it was going to be so easy for me. I've known where I wanted to go for about seven years now: Patrick Henry College. God apparently has other plans because I am getting minimal scholarships from them. Sure, I can still go there but I have to clean out all of my savings and my parent's savings as well. I can't ask my parents to do that! Their financial security should not have to be unstable simply because I want to go a college. Besides, there's no guarantee that next year they would grant me enough scholarships to attend another year. PHC was looking worse and worse when Liberty University came and offered me $25,000 in scholarships. That's nearly a full ride! I was worried until I found out Liberty and PHC were two of the three colleges in the nation that had my major: Strategic Intelligence. So, I decided I was going to Liberty. The only problem is that a friend who I trust (and who is a lot like me) told me that Liberty wasn't a good environment for me. He said that Liberty was shallow, the teachers are not the leading experts and that the program for my major isn't as good as PHC's. So now...I'm confused! I want to succeed and PHC is looking like that would be the place to push me into the forefront of my field. But do I really risk my family's financial security simply so I can fulfill a dream? No. I can't.

2. Friends. I have a very dear friend. (Let's call her Sally for the sake of brevity) I love Sally dearly but she has been frustrating from the beginning of the year. Debate is very important to me. Very very important. I work constantly on debate; writing briefs, brainstorming ideas, strengthening my case, researching Russia. In my three years of debate experience, I have never once had a good/great/hardworking partner. (Well except for once and that was a different style of debate). Honestly, I'm getting frustrated. Every teampolicy and (up until this last tournament) every parliamentary round I have ever debated was stressful. I am always the one carrying my team in finals or semifinals. Never once has my partner thought of a good argument on their own or been as good a speaker as I am. I'm discouraged every time I debate because there is so much pressure on me. Instead of the pressure being split between the partners, it all falls on me. If I mess up, that's it. The round's over. We've lost. There's no chance for redemption, no safety net. It's done. It may not effect other people, but I feel that strain. I want to succeed, in fact, I need to succeed for debate scholarships! But I'm always scared that I'll mess it up and then it'll be over. It's killing me that I can't find a partner that cares as much as I do. I adore debate but I hate debating. It's a horrible dilemma that I can't seem to get out of. My partner this year has told me multiple times that she hates debate, she doesn't ever want to debate again and that she doesn't care about debate. THIS KILLS ME. There's no incentive for her to do well or to work harder and so she doesn't. I, again, carry my team forward, killing myself in the process.

This same partner has recently been grounded because of some bad choices. (NOTE: The next paragraph may not seem to make sense and be really petty. But it's how I feel so here goes...) At first, it looked like we weren't going to be able to compete at Nationals. Through the grace of God, her parents finally allowed her to go. I was talking to her and she told me that she is only grounded for two weeks and then she has limited access at Nationals. Now before I can really explain why I'm upset, let me give you a little background: I lied to my parents about a relationship two years ago. When they found out, I was dead. I had no life for seven months and I learned my lesson well. I have never lied since then. This situation my partner is in is ten times worse. However, she's only grounded for TWO WEEKS???? This is so upsetting because 1) SHES NOT LEARNING ANYTHING (she was grounded once before for doing this and it was LONGER than two weeks. That situation was much less severe than this one) and 2) She put me through hell and she's not even getting punished????? That may seem really really petty and mean but I'm just frustrated. I wasted my pity on her, feeling sorry for the situation, trying to make her feel better for WHAT? being grounded for two weeks??? That's not worth my pity! Or my time!

So now, yes, I'm frustrated. I feel rather betrayed and there is even ANOTHER situation with a former partner who believes I've betrayed her when I've done nothing. It's caused even more drama and it's pushed me to the point where I want to just stay in my room, curled up on my bed, and NEVER COME OUT. EVER. But the thing about this is, I can't tell anyone about this! Telling my parents is like suicide, telling my friends will only create a bigger rift and more drama, and telling my sister is laughable. All I can do is push my emotions down inside me and continue as I've done all year, just ignoring the world and hoping I don't explode. Who knew that you can survive despite being a psychological mess?

"A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." ~Proverbs 18:24

Thursday, April 21, 2011

"The Song"

The notes dance across the page,
Rolling like the green hills outside.
Soaring and Singing.
Dancing, Weaving.
Intertwining hope and love,
In a world that has none.

The violins sing their song.
Unique and Delicate.
It rises into each heart
That hears the sound.
Beauty unbridled, untainted.
Darkness is not welcome here.

The piano sings its song.
Loud and triumphant.
It brings inspiration,
Filling the room.
Bringing courage, strength.
Darkness is not welcome here.

The drums sing their song.
Slow and steady.
Never missing a beat,
Setting the tone for all.
Rising steadily, slowly.
Darkness is not welcome here.

The chorus sings their song.
Wild and pure.
Giving an air of freedom,
Becoming irresistable.
Pulling dangerously, ferociously.
Darkness is not welcome here.

The notes dance across the page,
Rolling like the green hills outside.
Soaring and Singing.
Dancing, Weaving.
Intertwining hope and love,
In a world that is now,


"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." ~St. Augustine

The quote above is so true! As a teenage girl, I can get so caught up in the feelings of the moment. I forget that I am a hormonal girl that doesn't necessarily always look ahead. I'm always right here, right now. If I ever believe that I've "falling in love", I just have to come back to this quote and remember that love is a choice. It's not a mushy feeling, its not the flip your stomach does, its not the weakness in your knees. Its an everyday decision to put someone else's well being before your own. Before I can learn to do that, I do not deserve the love of another. 

"But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children's children." ~Psalm 103:17

Sunday, April 3, 2011


I am a student leader for the middle school youth group at my church. Today my youth pastor, Will, was talking about simply "chilling out". He said we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that we forget to chill. That really spoke to me in a way that I had never thought of before. No matter what I am doing, I am always talking with SOMEONE. I could be alone in my room and still on facebook and skype and texting all at the same time. I never take time to simply breathe and listen to God anymore. It's all about my social life. My grades are even hurting because of it. Facebook and skype come before everything else and that's not how my life should be. I have been wondering why I feel exhausted and out of touch lately and God gave me the answer today. I have slowly drifted away from what I was meant to do with these last few months of my high school years. Technology is amazing but I have let it come between me and God. That can't happen, especially when I'm trying to figure out what college to go to.

I need to take a break. I'm getting off facebook and skype for two weeks. By that time, it will be the last tournament of STOAtx for the year: PITOC. Hopefully, I will be able to get back on facebook and skype without getting distracted. If not, I'll just take it away from myself again. I can't allow myself to stay in the rut I am in now. I have to listen to God and get back to where we were. Without his guidance in these pivotal few months of my life, I could make some seriously wrong decisions. I can't and shouldn't allow myself to do that. I'll just chill and who knows? Maybe I can even clean out my room as a result. :)

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."