Frustration

Well, I've decided its about time that I talked to the internet people about this. I'm really frustrated right now about two things.
1. College. I hate this decision. I thought it was going to be so easy for me. I've known where I wanted to go for about seven years now: Patrick Henry College. God apparently has other plans because I am getting minimal scholarships from them. Sure, I can still go there but I have to clean out all of my savings and my parent's savings as well. I can't ask my parents to do that! Their financial security should not have to be unstable simply because I want to go a college. Besides, there's no guarantee that next year they would grant me enough scholarships to attend another year. PHC was looking worse and worse when Liberty University came and offered me $25,000 in scholarships. That's nearly a full ride! I was worried until I found out Liberty and PHC were two of the three colleges in the nation that had my major: Strategic Intelligence. So, I decided I was going to Liberty. The only problem is that a friend who I trust (and who is a lot like me) told me that Liberty wasn't a good environment for me. He said that Liberty was shallow, the teachers are not the leading experts and that the program for my major isn't as good as PHC's. So now...I'm confused! I want to succeed and PHC is looking like that would be the place to push me into the forefront of my field. But do I really risk my family's financial security simply so I can fulfill a dream? No. I can't.

2. Friends. I have a very dear friend. (Let's call her Sally for the sake of brevity) I love Sally dearly but she has been frustrating from the beginning of the year. Debate is very important to me. Very very important. I work constantly on debate; writing briefs, brainstorming ideas, strengthening my case, researching Russia. In my three years of debate experience, I have never once had a good/great/hardworking partner. (Well except for once and that was a different style of debate). Honestly, I'm getting frustrated. Every teampolicy and (up until this last tournament) every parliamentary round I have ever debated was stressful. I am always the one carrying my team in finals or semifinals. Never once has my partner thought of a good argument on their own or been as good a speaker as I am. I'm discouraged every time I debate because there is so much pressure on me. Instead of the pressure being split between the partners, it all falls on me. If I mess up, that's it. The round's over. We've lost. There's no chance for redemption, no safety net. It's done. It may not effect other people, but I feel that strain. I want to succeed, in fact, I need to succeed for debate scholarships! But I'm always scared that I'll mess it up and then it'll be over. It's killing me that I can't find a partner that cares as much as I do. I adore debate but I hate debating. It's a horrible dilemma that I can't seem to get out of. My partner this year has told me multiple times that she hates debate, she doesn't ever want to debate again and that she doesn't care about debate. THIS KILLS ME. There's no incentive for her to do well or to work harder and so she doesn't. I, again, carry my team forward, killing myself in the process.

This same partner has recently been grounded because of some bad choices. (NOTE: The next paragraph may not seem to make sense and be really petty. But it's how I feel so here goes...) At first, it looked like we weren't going to be able to compete at Nationals. Through the grace of God, her parents finally allowed her to go. I was talking to her and she told me that she is only grounded for two weeks and then she has limited access at Nationals. Now before I can really explain why I'm upset, let me give you a little background: I lied to my parents about a relationship two years ago. When they found out, I was dead. I had no life for seven months and I learned my lesson well. I have never lied since then. This situation my partner is in is ten times worse. However, she's only grounded for TWO WEEKS???? This is so upsetting because 1) SHES NOT LEARNING ANYTHING (she was grounded once before for doing this and it was LONGER than two weeks. That situation was much less severe than this one) and 2) She put me through hell and she's not even getting punished????? That may seem really really petty and mean but I'm just frustrated. I wasted my pity on her, feeling sorry for the situation, trying to make her feel better for WHAT? being grounded for two weeks??? That's not worth my pity! Or my time!

So now, yes, I'm frustrated. I feel rather betrayed and there is even ANOTHER situation with a former partner who believes I've betrayed her when I've done nothing. It's caused even more drama and it's pushed me to the point where I want to just stay in my room, curled up on my bed, and NEVER COME OUT. EVER. But the thing about this is, I can't tell anyone about this! Telling my parents is like suicide, telling my friends will only create a bigger rift and more drama, and telling my sister is laughable. All I can do is push my emotions down inside me and continue as I've done all year, just ignoring the world and hoping I don't explode. Who knew that you can survive despite being a psychological mess?

"A man of many companions may come to ruin,

but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." ~Proverbs 18:24