I don’t know what to do. I’m leaving in six months. I’ll have a whole different life in Virginia. But, I don’t want to leave him. Staying isn’t an option and he’s most certainly not going to keep in touch! Mom won’t be there to bridge the gap. He’s so absent-minded…it’s one of the things I love about him but it certainly doesn’t help in this situation. Why can’t I be less possessive? Why can’t I just leave this up to God? I mean, I want to trust Him. And I know that He will have the best man possible in mind for me…I just want it to be Debater. I could actually see myself being so happy with Debater forever and ever but I’m not sure if that’s what God has planned for me. I know I am attracted to him and I don’t actually think anybody knows exactly how intense it has become. I know that Debater thinks I’m nice and probably a little weird but to the extent of my knowledge, that’s as far as it goes. If we could keep in contact over the next year, I would be thrilled. If he came to PHC, I would be ecstatic. If we did (by some weird happenstance) date and get married……my life would be so much better (I think). I think I love Debater. But I’m 17!!! What do I know of love? All I know is that I would do anything for him. Maybe that’s dangerous, I don’t know. All I know is what I feel. But hey, I don’t know anything. This could be obsession; this could be love. I wouldn’t know the difference. He could be incredibly frustrated with me or he could adore me, I STILL wouldn’t know the difference! I’m inexperienced and have no one to talk to. I know that I need to focus on God and seek Him first. It’s so hard though! Debater keeps getting in the way. If God told me no, I think I could understand. But the thing is that I don’t know if God’s telling me no! Maybe it’s my fault, but I just don’t know. I just….I just want a definite no. I know that simply means He has something better in mind and I accept that. I just want to know!!!!!!!!! I want to know who. I hate suspense and I hate just waiting. I know it builds trust and I know I just am supposed to trust God but it’s so hard! I just wish someone would just tell me what to do. I don’t want to screw everything up but I don’t want to let go of Debater. I almost know what I need to do but I just…………find it so hard.
Proverbs 3:5-7- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil."
God, help me to trust in you with everything I am. Help me to forget my desires and my will so that I can follow your desire and your will for my life. Let me not be wise by my standards, but by your standards. Lead me, guide me, and make straight my path.
Amen.
