Confusion

This post won't be so much what God has taught me as asking questions. I know that this will be a little weird, but of course I'm a hormonal teenage girl. ;) I wrote this a little while ago, asking some questions and just thinking through my feelings right now. I'm not sure what's going to happen and I have definitely changed the names.

I don’t know what to do. I’m leaving in six months. I’ll have a whole different life in Virginia. But, I don’t want to leave him. Staying isn’t an option and he’s most certainly not going to keep in touch! Mom won’t be there to bridge the gap. He’s so absent-minded…it’s one of the things I love about him but it certainly doesn’t help in this situation. Why can’t I be less possessive? Why can’t I just leave this up to God? I mean, I want to trust Him. And I know that He will have the best man possible in mind for me…I just want it to be Debater. I could actually see myself being so happy with Debater forever and ever but I’m not sure if that’s what God has planned for me. I know I am attracted to him and I don’t actually think anybody knows exactly how intense it has become. I know that Debater thinks I’m nice and probably a little weird but to the extent of my knowledge, that’s as far as it goes. If we could keep in contact over the next year, I would be thrilled. If he came to PHC, I would be ecstatic. If we did (by some weird happenstance) date and get married……my life would be so much better (I think). I think I love Debater. But I’m 17!!! What do I know of love? All I know is that I would do anything for him. Maybe that’s dangerous, I don’t know. All I know is what I feel. But hey, I don’t know anything. This could be obsession; this could be love. I wouldn’t know the difference. He could be incredibly frustrated with me or he could adore me, I STILL wouldn’t know the difference! I’m inexperienced and have no one to talk to. I know that I need to focus on God and seek Him first. It’s so hard though! Debater keeps getting in the way. If God told me no, I think I could understand. But the thing is that I don’t know if God’s telling me no! Maybe it’s my fault, but I just don’t know. I just….I just want a definite no. I know that simply means He has something better in mind and I accept that. I just want to know!!!!!!!!! I want to know who. I hate suspense and I hate just waiting. I know it builds trust and I know I just am supposed to trust God but it’s so hard! I just wish someone would just tell me what to do. I don’t want to screw everything up but I don’t want to let go of Debater. I almost know what I need to do but I just…………find it so hard. 

Proverbs 3:5-7- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil."

God, help me to trust in you with everything I am. Help me to forget my desires and my will so that I can follow your desire and your will for my life. Let me not be wise by my standards, but by your standards. Lead me, guide me, and make straight my path.

Amen.

Waltzing

I never want life to become an endless circle of monotony. I want to wake up every morning knowing that it is a new day with new experiences. I want to waltz through life, dance through every day, and laugh at trouble. I've never been one for depression and feeling sorry for myself. Waltzing always seemed beautiful and wonderful to me; especially now. I think going through life trying to be as graceful and beautiful as a perfectly executed waltz is exactly what people should do. Keeping in time with the music God has provided and letting him twirl you around and around on the dance floor is exhilarating and fulfilling.

I've always had problems submitting. My personality likes to take charge and lead the way. I was learning to waltz just the other day and my instructor kept telling me "NO let ME lead!".I found this a metaphor for how I live my life. I'm constantly trying to pull God in the direction that I want to go, pretending that that is the way that would make the waltz most beautiful. All it does is mess up the dance and cause it to fall apart. When we try to pretend like we are in charge and know what is best for our lives, our life falls apart. Only when we submit to God's authority and let him lead us through the dance can our life actually become graceful and beautiful like it should be.

I'm sitting in my room (which is now clean!) and just looking around at my walls. I have a billion pictures, nametags, posters, drawings and other memorabilia hanging. As I look around and remember events and people, I realize how far I have come in the last few years of my life. I've changed so much. However, I haven't made me into what I am. It has been my experiences and the people in my life that have molded me into the person I have become. So many people try to forget the past, but I feel that the past is a wonderful thing to be remembered and enjoyed. God gave us memories so that we could remember past experiences; both to laugh at and to learn from. I hope I never forget those who have influenced me so greatly and the amazing times I have had with my friends in my high school years. I love them so much.

Life is meant to be enjoyed and remembered. We were not created to spend our lives hiding or depressed. Waltzing through life with God as your dance partner can only lead to joy and blessings. Who wouldn't love that?

Decisions

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm a senior this year and my life has been very busy applying for colleges, trying to survive the classes I'm taking, and working through debate tournaments. This year has been very successful so far in debate. My partner and I won third at the last tournament and I won fifth place in speaker points. I also won fourth place in impromptu speaking and third place in parliamentary debate speaker points. My classes have been going well. I am currently enrolled in a college class from PHC. It is SO hard but with God's grace, I am getting through it.

Unfortunately, in the last several weeks, some things have been coming up that have really tested my patience and maturity. I had a friend who accused me of something I didn't do and another friend lie to an authority figure. Both of these circumstances have been dealt with but I am still left worried. In the first situation, my relationship with that friend has become rocky. I know that she is immature and is just acting on her emotions, but it still frustrates me. I had to make the decision whether it was worth it to stick around and work it out or just walk away and let the relationship grow cold. My mom made some of the decision for me (she worked it out with the mom...hopefully) but I really decided that a close relationship would only bring me down instead of building up my maturity. That was a hard decision. Yes, I will remain friends with her but we won't be trading secrets.
In the other situation, a friend (who is a middle school student leader with me at my church) lied to an authority figure about a circumstance and what she was going to do. In front of the middle school girls that we lead. I was shocked and it bothered me for the rest of the party. Eventually, I had to make the decision about what to do. I decided going to the authority figure and telling him the truth was the best thing to do. So I did that next morning. It was hard and I'm still worried about what's going to happen but I know I did the right thing.

In the next few months, I'm going to have to make a lot of decisions about my future and the kind of person I am going to become. It's going to be hard and they will be big decisions but I know that with God's help and guidance I will make the right choice. I just hope I will know what that right choice is when the time comes.

Sunshine

Have you ever stopped and looked at the sunshine? How beautiful it is....how shiny and invigorating as it shines. Butterflies and ice cream. Pineapple and music. I love thinking about things that make me smile. Life is a beautiful and joyful thing. I love dancing in the soft summer rain and listening to Owl City. 

Sorry. That was kinda random but I'm in a whimsical mood today. I miss my debate friends and my summer is full of debate. I'm sitting with my Parliamentary partner on my couch just playing on facebook and reading some poems. I found this great one that I love that I wanted to share with you.

To Autumn by John Keats:

I
Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,
   Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun;
Conspiring with him how to load and bless
   With fruit the vines that round the thatch-eves run;
To bend with apples the moss’d cottage-trees,
   And fill all fruit with ripeness to the core;
       To swell the gourd, and plump the hazel shells
   With a sweet kernel; to set budding more,
And still more, later flowers for the bees,
Until they think warm days will never cease,
       For Summer has o’er-brimm’d their clammy cells.

II
Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store?
   Sometimes whoever seeks abroad may find
Thee sitting careless on a granary floor,
   Thy hair soft-lifted by the winnowing wind;
Or on a half-reap’d furrow sound asleep,
   Drows’d with the fume of poppies, while thy hook
       Spares the next swath and all its twined flowers:
And sometimes like a gleaner thou dost keep
   Steady thy laden head across a brook;
   Or by a cyder-press, with patient look,
       Thou watchest the last oozings hours by hours.

III
Where are the songs of Spring? Ay, where are they?
   Think not of them, thou hast thy music too,—
While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day,
   And touch the stubble-plains with rosy hue;
Then in a wailful choir the small gnats mourn
   Among the river sallows, borne aloft
       Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies;
And full-grown lambs loud bleat from hilly bourn;
   Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft
   The red-breast whistles from a garden-croft;
       And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.

I think it is so beautiful. Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't really written much. I'll try to do better.

Summer

Well, I have finished school for the year! Unfortunately, none of my debate team is going to Nationals so that means that speech and debate is over for the year too. We are having our end-of-the-year party on Saturday so we're all really excited! This summer will be incredibly busy for me. I am going to three different debate camps and hopefully working one more. I will also be attending a family camp and a church camp. I'm looking for a job too. I will also be trying to start a Bible Study with a few of my friends over the summer. So, to sum it all up, this summer will be busy yet full of opportunity. I would appreciate prayers as I go throughout this summer. It will probably be strenuous and full of a lot of trying situations. I am also trying to decide who my debate partner is going to be next year. I have several options but trying to pick the right one....the one that God wants me to partner with....will not be easy. So, I'm hoping I will know how to make the right decision with God's help! Thanks for reading! :)

Loneliness

Have you ever felt like you were the only person on this planet that cared....about anything? That everyone else seems to be chasing after things you haven't ever wanted? That you seem to be the only one that understood there may be more depth and more life and more....just well MORE to our existence than what everyone else wants? If so, you are not alone. Lately, as the debate season has come to a close for me, I have felt that I must now be isolated from the people that understood me. I'm not a frivolous empty headed person who is satisfied with the world. I don't like swallowing what other people hand to me on a platter. I like thinking and feeling and working passionately and with my whole being. I can't be shallow. Its impossible. And therefore, I am alone.

I am the only ME on this planet. I am the only me with my personality, name, and feelings. And because I am so unique, no one in my entire life has fully understood my passions and loves. Because of who I am, I am a dangerous combination who must be careful in everything I say and do. People are so shallow these days that no one seems to care about how things are perceived or even how actions can be taken the wrong way. Selfishness abounds and shallow love, even more. Only a few still hold on to those "outdated" beliefs that life was meant to be more than what I want. Life is meant to be something beautiful, to be enjoyed. And those of us who still cling to the old ways, the laws of chivalry, the laws of grace, of kindness, of selfless love, are outcasts. Even in my small world, I know that I am alone. Yet I choose to remain untainted by the world. I choose to remain who I am. I choose to remain loyal to what I believe life should be. Will you?

Reflections

Well, this is my *humble*opinion of the two colleges I have visited- Patrick Henry College and King’s College.

Lets start with King’s. King’s College is located in the heart of NYC. It is in the Empire State Building and has several hundred students. They offer three majors- politics philosophy and economics, media culture and the arts, and business management. Their academics program is very rigorous and focuses heavily on business, journalism, and film production. They have ample opportunity for internships in NYC in all three of those. I went to one class and it left me confused and bored. It was supposed to be a politics class, but the professor didn’t even talk about politics! He was discussing a book about Sparta they were reading. Towards the end of the class, he did start talking about different choices the king made and why they were good or bad but until then, I was incredibly confused. The professors are nice, energetic, and have a well-developed sense of humor. The college does not have normal housing. They have apartments of three instead of the usual dorms. Also, they do not have a meal plan, so you must buy your own groceries and make a meal plan. The people are nice, but very glamorous. If you are a fashion diva who wants to change the world…..King’s is the college for you! Most of them are from public schools and do not know how to speak, write, and read analytically and with a Christian worldview. King’s does not offer a lot of extra-curricular activities. They have a debate team (but there is limited space with a LOOOOONG waiting list) and a theatre club. That is all but there are ample opportunities throughout NYC to get involved. Most of the students I talked to liked King’s because it “treated them like they were adults” and because of the hard classes.

King’s has two major drawbacks that I saw. The first is the glamour. Because it is in NYC, it attracts a certain kind of person. A nice person, but a person who is not at all like me. It is definitely for people who like fashion, shopping, and living in a very shallow city. The second drawback that I think is incredibly serious is their lack of emphasis on spiritual growth. They do not have chapel, small groups, worship, or any kind of gathering to worship God. It would be very easy for a teenager to lose their faith in such an environment. King’s has an emphasis on academics, not spiritual growth. The students themselves pointed this out several times. Another drawback that is more personal is the emphasis on business and media. I want to go into politics and King’s does not deal with politics hardly at all. It is not the environment I am looking for.

Lets move on to PHC. PHC is located in a small town in Virginia right outside of DC. It has a few hundred students and is only slightly smaller than King’s. They offer several politics majors, a literature major, a strategic intelligence major, and (most recently) a music major. They too have a very rigorous academic program. However, the two classes I visited were interesting and left me wanting more. Even though I came in the middle and wasn’t quite sure where the class had been, I still understood most of it and left intrigued. The professors are kind, intelligent, interesting and VERY willing to help you at any time. PHC has spacious dorms (not very large but spacious nonetheless) that normally have three people in them. They have a normal meal plan as well which is not as bad as other colleges. The food always contains a wide variety and is surprisingly delicious! All of the people at PHC are like me or very close. We have the same interests and ideas. 80% of the people who go to PHC are homeschooled which makes for a very different and not unpleasant experience. They have similar focus and I do not feel like an abnormal “nerdy” homeschooler. PHC offers a multitude of extra-curricular activities. They offer worship team, a variety of sports, theatre, different music options, tutoring, newspaper staff, different jobs around campus, debate and speech, moot court, mock trial, and more. All of the students I talked to said they went to Patrick Henry because “God told me that was where I was supposed to go” and because “Patrick Henry helps us change the world even while we are in college”.

The only drawback that I heard from students and that I saw was that it is indeed a very small college. Everyone knows everything that is happening in your life. That’s hard when you really don’t want people interfering. However, PHC has such a great environment and such a great emphasis on spiritual growth and developing relationships before academics that I feel it is the right college for me. All the faculty said that they were giving us the opportunity to change the world in college. We become world movers even while we are still young and that is what I have wanted to do. I feel like I can go to PHC as myself and be immediately accepted and feel at home. Unfortunately, if I went to King’s, I would feel like I had to change myself to be like the people around me. I would need to become a “city girl” to fit in. I would also probably lose my faith because of the environment I would be in. The faculty at King’s made the point that they were EQUIPPING students to become world changers when they go out on their own. This is not what I am looking for. I want to change the world NOW.

In conclusion, King’s is a great school. I would recommend looking at it and making sure it wasn’t for you, but if you are anything like me (nerd who would like to change the world in the area of politics) then I would sincerely discourage going to King’s.